First off, I'd like to wish all of you lovely people a very merry Christmas. To keep a long update short, after my meeting with the doctor at Brigham and Women's, I have decided to abandon MRT altogether. Slowly but surely I've been reintroducing foods back into my diet- foods that I haven't had since I don't even know when. It's been great. I knew that restricting myself as much as I had was beginning to drive me batshit mental, but until now, I guess I hadn't really understood the extent to which it was turning everything upside down. There is such a sense of relief that comes with opening the refrigerator door or the kitchen cabinets and being able to say, "I can eat any of this." My wonderful boyfriend went with me the day of my appointment. After the appointment we went out to Papa Razzi on Newbury Street in Boston. We toasted to "no limitations." My newfound sense of freedom gave me just the right amount of fuck-it attitude so that I was able to enjoy some wine, delicious, real focaccia bread, a caesar salad WITH croutons, gluten free pasta (I couldn't go ALLLLLL out) in a tomato cream sauce with sausage, caramelized onions, and mushrooms, and to finish- some vanilla bean and cappuccino gelato..........with a macaroon that sent me right to Heaven, quite literally. And guess what, I'm alive to tell the tale. In fact, I was alive to tell the tale the day after, and the day after that, and the day after that.
I have decided however, that post-holidays, I will continue on my gluten free path and avoid refined sugars, as I still believe so strongly that none of that shit is any good for anyone. But as we know, it's not quite post-holidays just yet. Last night, Christmas Eve, was another joyous evening in which I indulged just a bit. I had a real meatball sandwich- on a real Italian roll. I also had some gluten free eggplant parmesan that my mother made and it was obviously to die for. I had one ravioli, and some gluten free chicken piccata. I had some homemade gluten free biscotti, which was also unbelievable. This morning I may have indulged just a lot, but I'm fine and I'm grinning from ear to ear. My family members agree- one of the best Christmas gifts this year is the gift of watching Meaghan eat...as sad as that sounds. So much of my feeling unwell had a lot to do with the stress and anxiety that came with my restrictive diet. I'm still working on getting the restrictive "self-talk" out of my head and doing away with the worries I get before I eat. I know that the energy healing sessions will be a huge help where these pieces of my sensitive puzzle are concerned. I'm really looking forward to starting that after the New Year.
As you can see, I got feetie pajamas last night- so all in all, everything in the past week has been a tremendous success. I hope that all of my followers, sensitive or not, are finding peace and happiness in the company of their loved ones today. In my Italian home, food is what brings us all together- it is a symbol of love. Nourish yourselves with love today- however that may be. Merry Christmas, all! :)
I can and cannot believe it's almost been a month since my last blog post. I've been quite the busy bee, as most of us are around this time of year. So much has happened in the past month. In reading my last post, I realize that what I have to share here today may have some of my readers inferring that my plan for the next steps in my health journey has changed almost entirely. In so many ways this is true. I have come to a fork in the road. A fork that is stacked to the clouds with the most tantalizing Christmas cookies. In going one way, I would follow the protocol as I had mentioned in my previous post- an option that doesn't feel right with that all-knowing soul self we all have. The other path I have chosen to take will allow me to explore some other options. I have come to a point in my journey where I am feeling that the MRT testing and protocol no longer work for me. The idea of continuing to eliminate foods and restrict myself again is causing me stress and anxiety, which is no recipe for healing. MRT worked for me during the first few months of this journey and for this, I am thankful. I believe this is because I really did have to eliminate certain foods in order to start the healing process. The fact of the matter is, I would not be able to get my nutrition through my diet if I decided to follow through with the protocol for these latest test results. Supplements have been helpful throughout this process, but I can't rely so heavily on different supplements to give me everything that I need and would be lacking in my diet.
Shortly after my last post, I began following the restrictive elimination diet for phase one of the protocol. Some nights I would go to bed hungry. One night, I opened the fridge and just began to cry. A fridge full of food and there wasn't a single thing in there that this sensitive bitch could eat. I was really emotional during these first few days. I spent a lot of time thinking about the less-obvious reasons for my emotional state. I began to feel like my body was going into survival mode- my primal instincts were kicking in and everyday was an internal fight of, "what can I eat? How will I get through my day?" It came to my attention that for the longest time, all I've been thinking about throughout the course of a single day is FOOD. I have become so OCD about everything I eat- how is this food going to make me feel? Will this food make me break out? Should I eat this or not eat anything at all? What am I going to make for lunch tomorrow? Will it be enough? While being cognizant of one's sensitivities could prove beneficial, I have come to the conclusion that I am over-aware or hyper-sensitive to my sensitivities and just all food in general. As such, it's likely that I'm causing my own symptoms. I don't have time for that shit though. I fear that eating a small list of foods on a restrictive diet will make me sensitive to that small list of foods due to lack of variety. I fear that eating foods I know I'm reactive to will make me symptomatic. With the mind-body connection being as strong and powerful as it is, there is no way in hell that I could possibly feel well with all these thoughts going through my noggin.
Looking back at my relationship with food over the past several years of my life, I have come to the realization that food has always symbolized control and power for me. My weight has fluctuated from my childhood until now, and this is something that was always in my control. I no longer have control over the food I choose to put in my body- I'm told which foods I can and cannot eat. While using food as a means for "control" or "power" is in no way healthy, I have to argue that the same is true when food has control or power over YOU. I feel like this realization helped me to understand why I would get so angry or emotional when I was told what I could and could not eat. I am at a point in my life where I just want to eat to be well. To do this, I have to work on my relationship (for lack of a better word) with food and resolve any issues surrounding food from my past. I am currently exploring some other options and finding other ways to manage my health and find balance as I move forward with this journey. This Thursday I will be meeting with an internal medicine doctor at Brigham and Women's in Boston. He focuses on integrative, preventative medicine and practices holistically. I'm really excited to meet with him and find out how he can help me. I will also be going for energy therapy sessions more regularly after the New Year. I know that this will be a tremendous help, as it has been in the past.
We do the best with what we have. A few weeks ago, I had new test results, a grumpy grin, and an intuitive sense that there must be something more out there for me on this journey. I have always preached that when something doesn't feel right with your soul, you need to change that something. I am already feeling better about what lies ahead. I can't predict what's to come, but I am certain that I will feel more free from extreme restriction. Happiness = health ...You simply cannot have one without the other.